IF MEN RULED THE WORLD
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the international, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Good effort" would pretty much do it.
- Free birth control would come in lager, bitter or stout.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage towns in Essex.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- The bins would take themselves out.
- Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're number 1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- "Friends" would be filmed naked.
- The only programme opposite the five nations would be the five nations from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a copper gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.